well i am finally settled into the fair city of berlin, if it could be called that. a hub of creativity, history, paradoxes etc. as it is known for, however, in the city itself it sometimes seems more like the city of eternal breakfasts, canal side walks with beer in hand, roof top conversations and bike rides. don't get me wrong, it is wonderful, but if you are at all creatively inclined and also have a tendency to procrastinate, this can prove fairly painful. it is simply very hard to get anything done sometimes when there are so many constant - and cheap - distractions. cheap beer, cheap bars, wonderful bike paths, delicious food, perfect friends.
and yet i am blaming my lack of output on this wonderful place, when i should really blame myself. at times i am incredibly motivated, and write 3 songs in a row, then record and mix them. other times i can spend 3 days in a row just hanging out. the one thing that stays consistent is that i go to bed late and i wake up late, and when i wake up i have at least 2 very strong cups of coffee.
i am inspired, motivated, and a lot of times i do get the job done, but i would say the hardest thing about being a songwriter and a musician is to find a good balance; between obsessive, working through the night, lonely, drunk, creative sessions and a more healthy, regular, fulfilling lifestyle. i do play tennis twice a week, i do climb up 5 flights of stairs 3 times daily to my apartment, i do ride everywhere. but then when i come home to my apartment and i am alone in my room, the weirdness starts to set in. i have my musical instruments, both acoustic and electronic, and i write these songs that exist in my head, hoping that someone, somewhere in the outside world will make sense or feel what i am saying.
luckily for me i have a musical partner, tammy, and the insecurity of writing such weird, sad songs is definitely numbed by having a participating team member, in some ways it actually encourages it.
so the point of this post? i am in some awkard way trying to express the mind set, motivation and frustration that goes through the mind of a songwriter. it is so beautiful when you are watching someone perform, and a song just hits you, you think in some way that this piece of work was magically delivered to the performer with ease and fluency. the actual truth of the matter is that sometimes this is the case, but more often than not (for me, anyway), this delivery is usually at the tail end of a period of days filled with procrastinating, anxiety, pacing, thinking, drinking, hating and loving. i wouldn't trade it for a second, and when you do "deliver" a song that seems to transcend all this stress, your belief is restored in the process, but until that happens it can seem like life is a chaotic, senseless, lonely mess.
but, yes, in spite of all this, i would not trade it in for a second. what a wonderful life!!
xoxo
03 September 2010
22 April 2010
sicilia
ok i am a lazy blogger, i admit it. but i have been blogging in my head for 9 months now, i think of all the internal thoughts i have had that i should have written down, and to be honest it just makes me feel anxious. so...... here i am. i will stick to this now. although no promises, that seems to be the mistake i keep making.
i am not going to say much about the past 9 months except write a brief list of the places that i have been to, and maybe if i can remember things that have happened in these places i will write about it in the future, but probably not. the future starts now, here.. but first, the list:
from my last post - hmmmm...
The south part of USA
The east coast of USA
The middle of USA
The west coast of USA
hmmm then back to australia for 4 months, then another US tour, but this time a lot more fun...we played in:
USA - LA, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, New York, New Orleans (a place where my soul found peace), Greenville ( North Carolina), Charleston (South Carolina - a perfect place in my humble opinion), Atlanta
then..... France - Paris, Lyon, Marseilles, Montpellier
then... Berlin.. we spent 8 glorious days here with beautiful friends - organising, walking, sleeping, drinking and talking.
we also went to krakow poland for 3 days for my birthday..
ok i nearly forgot we then spent a week in brussels....ah!
which brings me to the present. sicily. or as the locals say, Sicilia, only the c is like a "ch" and it sounds so beautiful when a local proudly corrects you. european and mediterranean cliches aside, i don't care if a lot of people find this place amazing, i find it amazing for myself, and for my own reasons. at the moment i can put these reasons in a very concise list for you:
1. people are laid back.
2. the food is beyond fantastic - local, fresh and quality ingrediants, simple but serious flavours, a good use of homemade olive oil.
3. people are always late (as am i).
4. people take the piss out of each other, just like in australia. i often get in trouble for this in other places, but in sicily it is nearly me that gets offended. i love this.
5. people drink a lot of coffee. it's everywhere, cheap and very good.
6. people are passionate.
7. when people speak it sounds like they are either shouting or singing.
8. people get to work when they want to (as do i, though in australia i am regularly repramanded for it).
9. and mostly for my own vain reasons, men and women in sicily generally like a full figured woman.
this is my list for now, i am sure i will find more reasons and probably if i spent longer here i would also have a list of why i don't like sicily, but for now this is how i feel.
i had the strangest experience 2 days ago. for 3 years i have wanted to climb up mt etna, the spectacular and active volcano dominating the landscape of eastern sicily. i ended up going alone for various reasons. i have dreamt of seeing this volcano ever since a friend told me about it briefly, and in that exact conversation i made up my mind that i would visit sicily. anyway i twiste my ankle on the way to the bus station before i even got to the volcano. i thought it was minor so i stupidly carried on. i took the local bus, followed by the regional bus, the cable car and the jeep up an area close to the base of the summit. and then i kept walking, foolishly, until i got so far up that to come down would make it very hard on my ankle - navigating a combination of small lava rocks, snow, ice and dirt. it was also very steep. so my mildly sprained ankle became inflamed and by the time i made it back to the jeep i was in severe pain. by the time the jeep dropped us off at the cable car i could not even walk, i had to humbly hop to the cable car. the guy operating it must have signalled to his co-worker at the bottom, as when i arrived at the base they stopped the whole cable car so that i could literally hop off. seeing i was in distress, and in severe physical pain, two men had to carry me to the bus, neither of them speaking a word of english. i was an intense mixture of humiliation, embaressment, pain and emotional distress by this point. i cried to myself while i waited 30 minutes on the bus alone. by the time the bus made it back to the town i'm staying in (catania), i was a wreck. i had spent one and a half hours in extreme physical pain, all alone, and didn't know what to do at this point. i tried texting the guy i was staying with to get tammy to call me but he didn't know where she was. i don't have any insurance so i didn't even know if i could go to the hospital...by the time we got to catania i didn't care though, i was in such agonising pain that i decided just to go anyway. at the very same time the bus stopped, we were told to all get off quickly, tammy called, i started crying, my bag broke and everyone gathered around me realising i was in pain. they carried me off the bus and pulled up a chair outside a pharmacy on the edge of a huge piazza right by the main train station. 3 sicilian men were around me as well as an english speaking woman.... it felt like a very awful nightmare, but i was so consumed by the pain and the intensity of the situation that it felt very real. or not. to this moment i can't tell. i felt like a little baby, wanting to curl up, cry and call for my mother to save me. the english speaking woman turned out to be from rome, but had lived in london for 8 years, and could speak perfect english and italian, and so acted as my translater. she called an ambulance for me, and waited with me, right by my side, for one and a half hours for the ambulance to come. she then came with me to the hospital, telling the paramedics what was going on with me. despite the pain, it was actually a very pleasant ride, and by the end of it we were all exchanging personal details and planning to stay in touch.
once we reached the hospital i was put on the waiting list of 25 people, so i waited in more pain for nearly 3 hours, while i was told i couldn't have any medication for the pain as the doctor needed to assess me "undrugged". i could not even explain what it was like to be in such pain for a prolonged period of time, other than it felt very, very long, and i knew there was nothing i could do about it.
i was kept company by a sweet girl who could speak only a few words of english, and despite her age of 13, was very mature for her own age, asking thoughtful questions and telling me about her life in a mixture of italian, bad english and hand signals. she kept me company. she went and got me a peach tea..
by the time tammy and marko (we are staying with him) arrived, i was so exhausted that i was ok. the pain had not subsided but i was very relieved to have my people beside me. they warmly tended to my needs, looked after my possessions, and hassled the doctors about when they would see me. it was truly beautiful.
by the time i was seen i was given an injection of god knows what, which did nothing, then wheeled to the x-ray room where i was treated like an animal, they grabbed my leg without any thought, moving it around, while i was screaming with pain, the technician didn't even make eye contact with me. well.. once the x-rays came back it showed luckily that there was no breaks or tears, and that it was the inflammation that was causing the pain. he added that i was lucky nothing happened, as it clearly came very close. they still wouldn't give me anything for the pain, and instead sent me home with a bandaged foot and a prescription for anti inflammatories. i spent that night tossing and turning with the pain, i couldn't lie still without the constant sting of pain, as well as the mosquitos buzzing and biting above my head.
i am ok now, only 2 days later. i don't even know why i had to share this story, other than i fet like i needed to get it off my chest. i'm sure many people go through similar situations like this every day, but for me it was intense, and i guess that is the point of a blog.
i have spent the last 2 days hoppng around the apartment in catania, and even took the stupid but worthwhile risk of going on the back of a motorcyle to go out for lunch with our friends, to an incredible local family run eatery (it's not a restaurant, they have made every effort to tell me!). i ate the most beautiful food you could imagine for a sicilian restaurant, really for me right now, the best in the world, it is so good i have no cravings or wants for any other food but this in my mind right now, which is not normally the case. barbequed eggplant marinated in olive oil, garlic, chilli and parsley ( a sicilian classic dish), chickpea soup in a clear broth (so simple but so umbelievable in flavour), a simple tomato pasta, cauliflower cooked in vinegar and olive oil (i really had no idea cauliflower could taste this good), olives, cheese, bread that was as rich as cake, and a special sicilian lunch time workers drink of wine mixed with lemonade.
this delicious lunch was followed by another glorious espresso in a typical bar, and then another beautiful bicycle ride back home. riding on the back of a motorbike in sicily, especially when the driver is a local, is one of the most harmonious, thrilling, natural experiences i have had in recent times. i can't explain it properly in words, i just feel so happy when i am on that seat, we are dodging cars, making sharp turns, watching the sicilian vegetable stands pass by in the blink of an eye, without a care in the world, is a truly free feeling. it's as if time stands still.
before i forget last night we were treated to another local specialty - a simple entree of chargrilled artichokes stuffed with an intense mixture of parsley, garlic and chilli. wrapped in foil and brought to the apartment by marko and silva's friend, andrea. sucking on those charred leaves for the smallest amount of tasty flesh, piece by piece, and slowly making your way to the heart as the flavour intensifies, and to be rewarded with the parsley/chilli/garlic combination makes for a truly mouth watering appetiser experience. hopefully i will have these again before i leave, if not when i come back.
ok i am going to leave this for now, all i really wanted to say is that my heart is engaged in this island, and i feel a peace in my mind and spirit i have not felt for a long time. of course it is easy to feel this good while traveling, but as i have been traveling so much lately, it has become increasingly harder to find rest and peace, and in these moments where i do feel it, i try to tap into it further to see where it can take me. right now i am still figuring this out. i am allowing myself to be swept away by the dreaminess and romanticism of this beautiful place, and only hope that i evolve from these thoughts. we will see.
i am not going to say much about the past 9 months except write a brief list of the places that i have been to, and maybe if i can remember things that have happened in these places i will write about it in the future, but probably not. the future starts now, here.. but first, the list:
from my last post - hmmmm...
The south part of USA
The east coast of USA
The middle of USA
The west coast of USA
hmmm then back to australia for 4 months, then another US tour, but this time a lot more fun...we played in:
USA - LA, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, New York, New Orleans (a place where my soul found peace), Greenville ( North Carolina), Charleston (South Carolina - a perfect place in my humble opinion), Atlanta
then..... France - Paris, Lyon, Marseilles, Montpellier
then... Berlin.. we spent 8 glorious days here with beautiful friends - organising, walking, sleeping, drinking and talking.
we also went to krakow poland for 3 days for my birthday..
ok i nearly forgot we then spent a week in brussels....ah!
which brings me to the present. sicily. or as the locals say, Sicilia, only the c is like a "ch" and it sounds so beautiful when a local proudly corrects you. european and mediterranean cliches aside, i don't care if a lot of people find this place amazing, i find it amazing for myself, and for my own reasons. at the moment i can put these reasons in a very concise list for you:
1. people are laid back.
2. the food is beyond fantastic - local, fresh and quality ingrediants, simple but serious flavours, a good use of homemade olive oil.
3. people are always late (as am i).
4. people take the piss out of each other, just like in australia. i often get in trouble for this in other places, but in sicily it is nearly me that gets offended. i love this.
5. people drink a lot of coffee. it's everywhere, cheap and very good.
6. people are passionate.
7. when people speak it sounds like they are either shouting or singing.
8. people get to work when they want to (as do i, though in australia i am regularly repramanded for it).
9. and mostly for my own vain reasons, men and women in sicily generally like a full figured woman.
this is my list for now, i am sure i will find more reasons and probably if i spent longer here i would also have a list of why i don't like sicily, but for now this is how i feel.
i had the strangest experience 2 days ago. for 3 years i have wanted to climb up mt etna, the spectacular and active volcano dominating the landscape of eastern sicily. i ended up going alone for various reasons. i have dreamt of seeing this volcano ever since a friend told me about it briefly, and in that exact conversation i made up my mind that i would visit sicily. anyway i twiste my ankle on the way to the bus station before i even got to the volcano. i thought it was minor so i stupidly carried on. i took the local bus, followed by the regional bus, the cable car and the jeep up an area close to the base of the summit. and then i kept walking, foolishly, until i got so far up that to come down would make it very hard on my ankle - navigating a combination of small lava rocks, snow, ice and dirt. it was also very steep. so my mildly sprained ankle became inflamed and by the time i made it back to the jeep i was in severe pain. by the time the jeep dropped us off at the cable car i could not even walk, i had to humbly hop to the cable car. the guy operating it must have signalled to his co-worker at the bottom, as when i arrived at the base they stopped the whole cable car so that i could literally hop off. seeing i was in distress, and in severe physical pain, two men had to carry me to the bus, neither of them speaking a word of english. i was an intense mixture of humiliation, embaressment, pain and emotional distress by this point. i cried to myself while i waited 30 minutes on the bus alone. by the time the bus made it back to the town i'm staying in (catania), i was a wreck. i had spent one and a half hours in extreme physical pain, all alone, and didn't know what to do at this point. i tried texting the guy i was staying with to get tammy to call me but he didn't know where she was. i don't have any insurance so i didn't even know if i could go to the hospital...by the time we got to catania i didn't care though, i was in such agonising pain that i decided just to go anyway. at the very same time the bus stopped, we were told to all get off quickly, tammy called, i started crying, my bag broke and everyone gathered around me realising i was in pain. they carried me off the bus and pulled up a chair outside a pharmacy on the edge of a huge piazza right by the main train station. 3 sicilian men were around me as well as an english speaking woman.... it felt like a very awful nightmare, but i was so consumed by the pain and the intensity of the situation that it felt very real. or not. to this moment i can't tell. i felt like a little baby, wanting to curl up, cry and call for my mother to save me. the english speaking woman turned out to be from rome, but had lived in london for 8 years, and could speak perfect english and italian, and so acted as my translater. she called an ambulance for me, and waited with me, right by my side, for one and a half hours for the ambulance to come. she then came with me to the hospital, telling the paramedics what was going on with me. despite the pain, it was actually a very pleasant ride, and by the end of it we were all exchanging personal details and planning to stay in touch.
once we reached the hospital i was put on the waiting list of 25 people, so i waited in more pain for nearly 3 hours, while i was told i couldn't have any medication for the pain as the doctor needed to assess me "undrugged". i could not even explain what it was like to be in such pain for a prolonged period of time, other than it felt very, very long, and i knew there was nothing i could do about it.
i was kept company by a sweet girl who could speak only a few words of english, and despite her age of 13, was very mature for her own age, asking thoughtful questions and telling me about her life in a mixture of italian, bad english and hand signals. she kept me company. she went and got me a peach tea..
by the time tammy and marko (we are staying with him) arrived, i was so exhausted that i was ok. the pain had not subsided but i was very relieved to have my people beside me. they warmly tended to my needs, looked after my possessions, and hassled the doctors about when they would see me. it was truly beautiful.
by the time i was seen i was given an injection of god knows what, which did nothing, then wheeled to the x-ray room where i was treated like an animal, they grabbed my leg without any thought, moving it around, while i was screaming with pain, the technician didn't even make eye contact with me. well.. once the x-rays came back it showed luckily that there was no breaks or tears, and that it was the inflammation that was causing the pain. he added that i was lucky nothing happened, as it clearly came very close. they still wouldn't give me anything for the pain, and instead sent me home with a bandaged foot and a prescription for anti inflammatories. i spent that night tossing and turning with the pain, i couldn't lie still without the constant sting of pain, as well as the mosquitos buzzing and biting above my head.
i am ok now, only 2 days later. i don't even know why i had to share this story, other than i fet like i needed to get it off my chest. i'm sure many people go through similar situations like this every day, but for me it was intense, and i guess that is the point of a blog.
i have spent the last 2 days hoppng around the apartment in catania, and even took the stupid but worthwhile risk of going on the back of a motorcyle to go out for lunch with our friends, to an incredible local family run eatery (it's not a restaurant, they have made every effort to tell me!). i ate the most beautiful food you could imagine for a sicilian restaurant, really for me right now, the best in the world, it is so good i have no cravings or wants for any other food but this in my mind right now, which is not normally the case. barbequed eggplant marinated in olive oil, garlic, chilli and parsley ( a sicilian classic dish), chickpea soup in a clear broth (so simple but so umbelievable in flavour), a simple tomato pasta, cauliflower cooked in vinegar and olive oil (i really had no idea cauliflower could taste this good), olives, cheese, bread that was as rich as cake, and a special sicilian lunch time workers drink of wine mixed with lemonade.
this delicious lunch was followed by another glorious espresso in a typical bar, and then another beautiful bicycle ride back home. riding on the back of a motorbike in sicily, especially when the driver is a local, is one of the most harmonious, thrilling, natural experiences i have had in recent times. i can't explain it properly in words, i just feel so happy when i am on that seat, we are dodging cars, making sharp turns, watching the sicilian vegetable stands pass by in the blink of an eye, without a care in the world, is a truly free feeling. it's as if time stands still.
before i forget last night we were treated to another local specialty - a simple entree of chargrilled artichokes stuffed with an intense mixture of parsley, garlic and chilli. wrapped in foil and brought to the apartment by marko and silva's friend, andrea. sucking on those charred leaves for the smallest amount of tasty flesh, piece by piece, and slowly making your way to the heart as the flavour intensifies, and to be rewarded with the parsley/chilli/garlic combination makes for a truly mouth watering appetiser experience. hopefully i will have these again before i leave, if not when i come back.
ok i am going to leave this for now, all i really wanted to say is that my heart is engaged in this island, and i feel a peace in my mind and spirit i have not felt for a long time. of course it is easy to feel this good while traveling, but as i have been traveling so much lately, it has become increasingly harder to find rest and peace, and in these moments where i do feel it, i try to tap into it further to see where it can take me. right now i am still figuring this out. i am allowing myself to be swept away by the dreaminess and romanticism of this beautiful place, and only hope that i evolve from these thoughts. we will see.
22 July 2009
heaven on two legs
we're on our fourth or so day on the tour, admittedly a little tired already, though i would say i am just not yet "tour fit" and with time i will adjust. we spent an emotional (for me anyhow) 36 hours in tucson, after a big drive through the desert from LA. a surprisingly interesting evening in LA, the show was ok, a little strange, but we stayed with a lovely friend we met a couple of years ago in guatemala, her apartment was right in the heart of hollywood, a beautiful palm tree lined street filled with little art deco apartments, green lawns with sprinklers and beautiful people walking around everywhere. People bag LA, but i love it. i think it is one of the most honest cities there is - it doesn't deny what it is, or pretend to be anything else. this is why i respect it. so when people say they don't like it, i stand up for it. i like the sprawling suburbs, i like the trashiness of it, i like hollywood, i don't know why i just do.
tucson is pretty honest too, i have to say. a desert town full of desert dreamers, it is sometimes like a dream just to walk around there. the heat is oppressive, the mood is slow and it is a place where you feel like anything can happen yet probably nothing really does. or maybe it does. still not sure about this. we met a bunch of friendly folk, a lovely girl amy who helped put is up, fed us enchilada on arrival, and entertained us with her pure goodness - an intense energy, all with heart. it was a true pleasure to meet her and be hosted by her kind nature.
yesterday i took a drive around town in the band van, feeling pretty strange i felt an intense need to do an almost stalk like drive by old places of my past - my old house where i lived in tucson, the bars i frequented. i surprised myself by driving past my old love's house while i was out getting a phone card. i just parked the car, took a moment to reflect, shed a small tear, then drove on out of there. it was a strange experience - strangely solidifying, comforting in a sadistic sort of way. i think after all these years, i am only realising now that i got my heart truly broken and i have just covered it up and suppressed the bad feelings. i am only now dealing with it and owning up to myself all about my past.
right now i am sitting in a chain diner in el paso, texas. we just arrived, and to be honest it feels like a strange city already. there is a sad, homeless man wearing a wig that looks like a dead animal. i feel so sad to look at him yet am finding it hard to look away. i feel guilty to even think of laughing, but admittedly it is a strangely funny sight. i am drinking delicious strawberry lemonade and considering a piece of key lime pie.
we are playing at a show night called "suck and blow" at a club called zeppelins, and right now i feel like hopping in a couch in my tracksuit and watching a will farrell movie..! but oh well, i'm sure, like always, it will end up fine. it's pretty confronting playing in these types of places, you never really know what to expect - whether they'll think we're complete freaks, or that they're complete freaks and they really dig what we do.. either way, you never really know until the minute you start playing, and then you know for sure..
in our LA show a guy came along to see us play from san bernadino, he ended up being a real sweetie - a mexican guy who for some strange reason had found a love for indie music, had started to learn the banjo and owned an autoharp. he has a warm and genuine nature, and an extremely perceptive mind. he loves his mother and refers to her as "heaven on two legs", a phrase i will never forget and i will try to use in the future. leyna calls these guys "superfans" - people who are really into what we do - but i really love them, and i love to meet people who get what we do - call me a narcissist, but it's nice to have people say they like what you do every now and then. i like it also that our "superfans" seem to be an endlessly random collection of strangers - friendly, weird, awkward, kind, interested and interesting. i wouldn't have it any other way. i think i am one of them too - not necessarily carrying all those traits, but definitely the weird and awkward part. last night when we played in tucson a guy came and bought our cd who was in the military and worked at the airforce base there. to me, the most unlikely candidate for a fan. this is what i love.
we are 5 minutes from the mexican border, and to be honest i feel like skipping the show and running for the border, spending a night in a seedy border town, eating street tacos and drinking cheap mexican beer. but that's not going to happen. one can still dream though....
will write more soon. until then.
20 July 2009
starting out
i have wanted to write a blog for so long, only i usually bag out people that do this, i wonder why so many people spend countless hours writing down minute details of their uninteresting lives, publish it on the web, and then expect anyone to care. then i realised that i don't really care who or if anyone reads what i write, but just writing might be a nice experience, especially while i'm travelling, trying to make sense of what i'm doing, what has happened in the past and what will go down in the future. but who knows.. i don't really care.
nevertheless i play in a 2 piece electronic/folk band. you can't really call it a band, it is really just me and my best friend. it feels cheating in some way to call it a band. we are much quieter than bands are meant to be, we are not the greatest musicians, and probably our music is a little weird to some people. so i will call it a group just for now.
we are disorganised, shameful, neurotic, probably we are both running from responsibility despite our love for conventional comforts such as a home, pets, new clothes etc. we have both found ourselves in the unfortunate yet exciting position of being broke and on the road, doing a tour of the US. i don't mean broke, like, oh we are on a budget of $20 a day and we can only eat taco bell. we are flat broke like we have to eat stale bread or food wherever we find it kind of broke. nice eh? well we aren't going to starve, but.....
we spent our last pennies on a midi keyboard and a digital camera, this probably sounds crazy. some artist types would spend their last $20 on some drugs, or a wild night out. but no siree, we are straight down the line, maintaining a responsible attitude towards our musical stage setup and future career.
we're about to jump in a van with a near stranger to drive to LA from san francisco for our first show tonight. we have spent the last week rehearsing, splitting our time between an old steel factory converted into a bike messenger office, which is nearly the best rehearsing experience i have ever had. the other space was a room in a big reherasal warehouse space, where our wussy little folk act was dwarfed by some seriously bad/loud/horrific emo rock bands. our PA was buzzing, our microphones were shit and we were in a room with no windows that stunk of bong juice, stale incense and....staleness. it was probably the worst rehearsal we have ever had.
the rest of my time has been spent setting up the computer and keyboard for our new kind of set. i can figure things out pretty quickly but my mind really does have a rather limited capacity. i know midi is meant to be simple but believe me when i tell you, i go cross eyed and i feel a little dizzy everytime i think of it... i know it's straight forward and completely logical, but for someone with a very illogical mind this can be very confusing. we are setting up some backing tracks from our album to play during our set, at the same time using the midi keyboard to play the keyboard parts, using sampled farfisa, piano and a various range of vst synths and sounds.. sounds simple but i have nearly had a meltdown over this, and i wasn't even the one setting up. i just had to get it ready by following someone else's detailed instructions. the keyboard is pretty special, it handles splits which means you can play up to 4 different types of keyboard sounds at once using zones on the keyboard. i have finally figured it out and it is more or less working - i have made myself extensive lists, nerdy notes and sticker sheets to put on the keyboard to make it idiot-proof. in my gut i still have a bad feeling that something may go terribly wrong when we play live. i like playing with old instruments, keyboards and drum machines. i know they sometimes go out of tune, usually buzz really badly, but my favourite thing about them is that they don't crash. my computer crashes, midi gets stuck, everything is virtual. this freaks me out. next time round i am going to try and keep it as simple as possible.
last night we both slept terribly. i don't know what kept tammy up, but i was in a half awake/sleep stage most of the night, obsessing over midi channels. i think in this strange state i was mentally going through the process of "transmitting" midi signals to somewhere (?). it was a bad sleep i have to say.
i am not looking forward to going to LA today - a big drive and going straight to the venue for our first show together in nearly 9 months. i feel sick to the stomach and would prefer to go and crawl under a rock, stay there for a few days, then re-surface when i feel more like performing. but this is probably what everyone goes through. the problem with playing in a band is that you book shows for the future, thinking you simply can't wait to play! but then when it gets to the day - well for me anyway - i go through various stages of nerves, anxiety, regret anger and then resignation... usually by the time i get on stage i have nearly had a peak-out, but 2 minutes into the set my calm is restored and i really enjoy myself, wondering why i put myself through all that agony really for nothing. i hope one day i will be an accomplished performer and i don't go through this anymore.
after LA we are driving into arizona. i have reservations about this to say the least, i spent a number of months there a number of years ago and had some pretty intense experiences, probably some of them i have surpressed in a way, and to go there will bring a lot of it back. without sounding dreamy i had a huge connection with this place - with the landscape, the people, the feel, and the city of tucson in general. i had my heart pretty severely broke there too, very unexpectedly, so i'm sure this too will bring back a few emotions that i have managed to push back for all these years. probably a good time to deal with them, i would say. aside from this i am really excited to get back to this city, but especially to the outskirts and surrounding desert, which i would say is one of the most beautiful and strange places in the world, that i have ever seen anyway.
tammy has bought 4 peaches and some bread for the trip. a nice road trip snack. by the time we leave we'll both have had about 4 cups of coffee so we'll be wired enough for the drive.
anyway this is enough for the first post, actually probably too much, but i can't be bothered editing myself - i have to pack anyway.
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